You've Got a Friend in Me

This article is part of the Claritas spring 2022 issue, Flourishing. Read the full print release here.

By Dara Gonzalez

Trees have always been admired for their strength and beauty. The largest ones often precede us by hundreds of generations. We revere these trees for their ability to continue growing despite natural disasters; in the wake of destruction, it is not uncommon to find trees standing strong and tall with their roots tangled within each other. One of the most notable tree types—characterized by their tangled roots—are the mangrove trees. These trees flourish in aquatic environments, grow close together, and have been known to withstand devastating tropical storms. People are just as admirable as these trees, prospering despite hardships. [1] It is in our nature to seek out relationships and community and continue to love and grow together. When faced with a question of what truly fuels us to continue a path of personal growth, my first thoughts were answers with quantitative data, like academic success that can easily be measured. After further reflection, what I realized was my greatest blessing was the meaningful friendships I've gained along the course of my life. 

“To find a friend you have to be a friend,“ is a piece of wisdom my mother bestowed to me at the tender age of three. At the time, I was struggling with making friends due to a language barrier and was frustrated that I was so lonely. I’ve found that these words still ring true, fifteen years later. 

For someone who doesn’t like change, I've gone through a lot of it, and with these changes have come fluctuations in my values of friendship. Of course, as a toddler, my definition of a friend was vague: friends were people who would play with me on the playground and act out the stories I’d begun to write in my head. A few years later, friends were people whom I could share my fancy colored pencils and watch silly animated movies with. But then came our family’s sudden move to Houston. I had left all my childhood friends behind without so much as a goodbye— leaving me anxious about how I would fit in. At that point, I just wanted an anchor to keep me from being alone. Thankfully, I didn’t have to push myself out of my comfort zone and ask to become someone’s friend. Although it’s never worked for romance, something about me quietly sitting in a corner reading books caught the interest of those around me. 

I have lost count of how many people I’ve called “friends” over the years—and lost contact with most of them. Time, distance, personality, drama, and growing apart are all pieces to the puzzle of my relationships. I’ve lost friends through things as trivial as, but not limited to: a middle school crush, “getting in the middle of a relationship,” rumors, and popularity or lack thereof. Whatever could potentially cause a friendship to end, I have probably experienced at least twice. But while friendships don’t always last, their impact on our lives will always remain. 

When Covid-19 first hit, my world—just like everyone else’s—flipped upside down. I came to realize the importance of friendship, and how lonely I truly was. As much as I loved to isolate myself and unwind alone, I missed the experience of having fun with my friends. With no return to normalcy in sight, we resigned ourselves to regular Zoom meetings where we goofed off and watched corny movies together. Even with all the free time to call each other and virtually hang out, we all grew restless and eventually tired out of the video calls. Virtual gatherings simply did not compare to being together in person. 

Human nature is social; we need intimacy and interpersonal relationships to be able to thrive. This is because we were created in such a way. The Christian faith is one that cannot be practiced alone; it was made to seek community and be spread to the world. 

Though I knew the importance of this principle, it slipped my mind as soon as I came to college. I was overwhelmed by the way my peers easily socialized, and became one of the anxious freshmen who needed the security of their parents during orientation week. Because the idea of socializing petrified me, I thought I would be perfectly content with being alone. I was, of course, terribly wrong. When both parents flew back home, I would call them every night crying about how much I missed them, how I had made the wrong choice, and how I had no friends. Our calls always ended in prayer. I prayed for God to show up in my life, now more than ever. At my mom’s insistence, I started to attend events hosted by Cru, a Christian ministry group on campus who define themselves as a “caring community passionate about connecting people to Jesus Christ.” I craved connections, and even more so the godly ones, so I agreed. I attended a worship night outside of CHOP (a residential gathering space on campus for Cru), the first Real Life service of the semester, as well as a trip to the Ithaca farmer’s market. Every activity sparked joy in my heart, as I felt that I had finally found a place of belonging. 

As quickly as my happy days at Cornell had begun, they were just as quickly shut down. I called my mom after returning from the farmer’s market trip buzzing with excitement and invigorated with a newfound love for Christian community, and was met with bad news. My immediate family was all sick with Covid, and were suffering through physically tolling symptoms. I flew back with two of my aunts under the pretense that my mom wanted me home to feel at ease and recover sooner. This was not the entire truth. When I arrived at my house, as opposed to my aunt’s house full of sick family, I was met by all my friends and a cousin who had also flown in. I had just gotten settled with pleasant surprise when my mom called and told me the worst news of my life. 

The morning I had awoken to expect convocation speeches, my dad hadn't. He had passed away in his sleep on a business trip, and now I was the last one in my family to know. I was unconsolable, even in the midst of my friends’ warm embrace. In the following three weeks, my friends were with me more often than not, even with the busyness of school and work shifts. They went out of their way to always be there with me; on restless nights, through non-stop panic attacks and hallucinations, through two days of funeral services, a burial and wake, and even the days leading up to my departure. I had always appreciated their friendship, but grew to love them even more, and thanked God for placing such caring people in my path. They truly reflected the biblical principle of becoming family amidst the toughest times. [2] Perhaps it was this outpouring of pure love that kept me from ever feeling anger towards God. 

With the loss of my dad, the weeks I spent at home grieving were already hard enough, yet the anguish I felt multiplied tenfold when I returned to campus. I retreated within the depths of my dorm most days; refusing to go to class from the depression that kept me chained to my bed and the anxiety I had about attending. My friends texted often and FaceTimed me almost daily, showing their concern and keeping me company as I admitted how lonely I felt. The time I spent away severed any possibility for connections I could have established at Cornell. My peers in class never tried to extend a hand of friendship. I would sit quietly in the back corners of classrooms, and never spoke until prompted by my professors. An introverted but talkative person by nature, I felt my soul being crushed. Regardless of whether I had discussion points or not, the lack of support from my classmates blocked all thoughts of speaking up. Soon I became physically unable to speak in class, overwhelmed with suppressing panic attacks and feeling words fade in my throat. 

My saving grace, quite literally, was Cru. From Real Life services every Friday, Bible study, and plenty of opportunities to branch out into different activities, I established safe spaces. I later joined a women's community group and Claritas through the connections and relationships I found at Real Life. Although I don't have the huge friend group I once thought I needed, I have plenty of people who I know I can rely on and be vulnerable with. 

I would like to acknowledge the impact of my CG leaders, Maria and Jiarui. At my lowest points in the semester, our weekly dinners and discussions were what kept me going. Throughout this past year, I have found that our CG has allowed us all to grow together, to strengthen each other as iron sharpens iron. [3] While I was fragile and reserved, they always reached out to me. Maria texted me during the three weeks off campus, checking in on me and offering prayer though we had not yet physically met. When I returned, I was initially hesitant to share how I felt, but soon found that everyone in our group came from a place without judgment. I would feel ashamed about my shortcomings, but was met with smiles, prayer, and words of encouragement. 

The phenomenon of what I’ve come to call “Ivy Isolation,” or a feeling of perpetual loneliness, isn’t something limited to my own experience. It’s a common occurrence, especially here at Cornell. From advertisements for clubs to seeing other large friend groups laughing together at dining halls, it’s easy to succumb to the feeling of being left out and alone. This is why the relationships that we cultivate are precisely the factor that ground us. In Scripture, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, 

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” 

These verses can be interpreted as placing importance on the quantity of friends, but such is not the case. Friendship should not be measured by quantity, but by quality, as in the support that comes from unique bonds. 

I have formed some of the greatest friendships that I know will sustain me in the future, precisely because of the genuinely godly nature of those that I have chosen to surround myself with. Hannah, easily the person I’d call my closest friend on this large campus, has shown me time and time again how God’s love is present in our hearts. What began as a casual lunch buddy agreement, became a lifeline for me. We saw each other at least twice per week, growing closer over conversations and dinner. Though we could talk about things like music and family, we always ended up talking about God, and how He was truly blessing us in ways that we have yet to understand. Hannah and I have discussed the idea of friendship many times over the course of several pre-Real Life dinners. Recently, she told me, “In a friendship, what I value most is being able to share the ups and downs of life together through developing strong senses of trust and loyalty. I love seeing how different friendships develop over time in different ways. Building strong and lasting friendships can be difficult, but I like how it’s working through challenges, disagreements, tough times, and more, that grow friends closer together.” She saw me at my worst early on, and still chose to seek out my companionship. I know we have so many more trials to brave together, but if this past year has proven anything, we’ll get through them with strength from God. 

Arborists recommend planting trees within ten feet of each other, to give them enough space to grow but also to allow them to entwine their roots together. If overplanted, the trees will fail to receive proper nutrients and moisture, then shrivel up and die. Similarly, people need their figurative distance in relationships. During one otherwise casual discipleship meeting with Jiarui and Hannah, I understood what made our bonds to each other so strong. Based on our previous suggestions, Jiarui had chosen to discuss the nature of friendships based on God. As we read and discussed the articles and verses together, I mentally checked off each bullet point for each friend that fit. Some of the points that particularly stuck out to me involved centering our friendships around God. 

“I think the thing I value most in a friendship is intentionality—making time for each other, encouraging one another, and in all things pointing each other to Jesus. In grade school, I relied a lot on friendship as a means of bringing happiness, without fully recognizing that true joy is found in Christ. Since coming to college, my idea of friendship has been completely redefined,” Jiarui told us. Distance serves not to keep us apart, but is space reserved for our relationship with God. Jesus is said to be our greatest friend, and His love is what allows us to branch out and find fellowship with one another. [4] Maria, in a later discussion, agreed with me on this point, admitting, “I don’t care so much about feeling comfortable or happy; these things are transient and are always fluctuating. What I have realized endures the test of time is keeping Christ at the center of the friendship. When we are both pointed toward the same goal of glorifying God, we inevitably grow closer in our relationship to each other.” Even without religion, relationships with clear goals or similar mindsets cultivate deeper connections. 

If you’re like me, it’s difficult to reach out and find friends. It might be easier to succumb to the idea that being alone is easier, but that belief can only be true to some extent. God has promised to do what’s best for us, and though He can place the right people in our path, it’s also our job to seek them just as we seek Him. [5] Take that chance to join that club, compliment that person whose style you admire from afar, join that Bible study, knock on that neighbor’s door. Never pass up the opportunity to find a lifelong friend.

This article appeared in Claritas’ Spring 2022 Flourishing Issue.

SOURCES

[1] “That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers.” — Psalm 1:3 

[2] “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” — Proverbs 17:17

[3] “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” — Proverbs 27:17

[4] “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” — Proverbs 18:24 

[5] “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11