HIRAETH

This poem is part of the Claritas spring 2023 issue, Love. Read the full print release here.

By: Kimberly Valadez

Act I

We weren’t perfect

You know, I’ll admit it

Yet, somehow, we were always smiling

Always holding each other in prayer

Together, I spent many of my firsts: 

My first birthday, my first concert

My first beach trips, and my first graduation 

But then, that all came crashing down

At the end of a twelve hour shift

During a car ride 'crosstown

And I don’t believe it, I can’t

Your silence pierces my ears

Your actions cloud my mind

I’m nauseous just trying to find a way out

But then I saw your car drive by

And you didn’t stop

So I thought, can I be the one who is wrong? 

I talk to myself, time and time again

And still, nothing makes sense

But it happened, what shouldn’t have happened

So I no longer expect anything from you

For my patience for you has run out

And my mind borders on insanity

Yet, in the confusion, I wonder

I wonder if I ever truly meant something to you

If I ever meant what you led me to believe

And if so, why you hurt me this way?

Act II

I followed your words without objections

All I ever did was for our sake, its true

And never had I doubted your directions

I guess I truly loved you

Yet, the little voice in my head was right

When it warned against you

That you would only be a mistake

But I believed you were the exception

And turns out, you are worse than that

You’re convinced this between us love, but it isn’t

Your words were full of selfish commands and no understanding

But I didn’t notice

I didn’t notice the meaning behind your surprise coffee Sunday mornings,

Didn’t notice the timeliness of your more frequent visits, 

Or of your sudden disappearances 

And now, of your unannounced questions

I’m determined to move on, but it seems you aren’t

but don’t worry

If you don’t know, I can teach you 

I erased our pictures, threw away your gifts

Stopped reading my Bible, and threw away our notes

Deleted our songs, and threw away our movies

Erasing every trace of you 

Because after all, it was right

The voice in my head

When it said that you would only be a mistake

Act III

I wonder what has become of you

I heard it’s not working, you and your new love

How funny

My arms froze when you ran to theirs

It wasn’t until then that I understood what role I played

That we only loved each other when it fit best

Even though I still wish to forget you

Truthfully, I haven’t

The memories are very much alive

I hate the songs we used to sing

I hate your reassuring I love you’‘s

I hate your gentle eyes and soothing voice

But that isn’t what I hate the most

I hate how badly you define love

I hate that you only drove by and never dared to say goodbye

I hate that your memories still haunt my present

But what I hate the most is that I don’t hate you

I never thought it possible

That I’ll become hollow

That I'll despise the things I once loved

Nor that this would be thanks to you

I don’t like to hate, it’s exhausting

But you’ve earned it and force me

And yet, what I hate the most is that I don’t hate you

Even now, I love you, although differently

If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here

And if I put up with you, it’s because at times I was happy too

I love the firsts we shared

I love you even if you didn't say goodbye

And I love that you still ask for me Sunday nights 

Isn’t it funny, though?

How you now come to me 

And you come with your heart in pieces

It could have been me

Who still cared for your heart

But you cruelly turned away

And stabbed mine 

Don’t get me wrong, we’ll never be the family we were 

We can only cherish it

Yet, in the midst of all, I am left with one disgrace:

To miss what didn’t happen

And like an idiot, I still do

This poem appeared in Claritas’ spring 2023 Love Issue