So, Do You Small Talk Often?

the big impact of small conversations

By: Wyatt Sell

This article is part of the Claritas fall 2024 issue, Margins. Read the full print release here.

“Awful weather, huh?” is a phrase that all British children become well- acquainted with at an early age, rapidly developing either a proclivity to use it or to scorn it. Later, more phrases are learnt, including “Did you see the news last night?” or “Dreadful traffic this morning, huh?”. At Cornell, we are most familiar with phrases like “Prelim season going well?” or “How was your break?” which are uttered thousands of times a semester, eventually building to form the vernacular known as “small talk.”

Small talk describes the snippets of communication that intersperse our day: forgettable remarks, repetitive pleasantries, and commentaries on weather, mood, traffic, or other routine occurrences. There is no malicious intent in small talk; hence, gossip, coarse jokes, or sophistry are not properly small talk, as they betray a more malicious motive. I can often find myself responding to small talk with bored indifference, or at worst annoyance, and I noticed that many others do the same. After some reflection however, I have come to reevaluate my response. Despite small talk seeming trite, oft-boring, and inconsequential, it can, in fact, be just the opposite: meaningful, important, and, dare I say it, even spiritual.

When class ends, I, like many, reach for my headphones and quickly hit “Play” on whatever podcast or song I had queued. The rest of the world quickly drifts away and becomes background noise—the voices in my headphones come to the forefront of my attention. Those who are nearby start to become irrelevant or, at worst, annoying, slowing me down when going to my classes, eating my food, and studying for my exams. In the rare case where I need to speak with someone, I will momentarily remove my headphones until this incursion is over and I can return to focusing on my self. This may sound familiar to some, and to others I might sound overly cranky, but nonetheless, this kind of self-centeredness poisons our mundane interactions, and makes us selfish. An embrace of small talk could be the solution.

Whether waiting for a TCAT or queuing for food at Morrison, comments like “I like your shirt!” or “Pretty cold outside, huh?” are explicit reminders that we share in our experience of the world with others, and that they too might share in our reflection on the weather or on having a busy week. If we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, we must first realize that they also have internal lives, perspectives, and experiences that are different from our own, yet united through our shared reality. Small talk inherently recognises this—its topics are as universal as possible: weather, traffic, workload. In fact, its entire point is to be universal and cross-cultural. It balks against individualism and self- centeredness, and pushes us, if only a little, towards selflessness.

Furthermore, when we consider the actual content of small talk, it encourages another virtue—humility. Small talk is not immediately intellectually stimulating, but what it lacks in depth, it makes up for in its total humility. In fact, as Christians, we should be careful to shun bombast: “For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel—not with wisdom and eloquence, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.” [1] If small talk is boastful, it loses its universalising quality and becomes big talk: showy and prideful, without a positive end. It is not a scientific pursuit, or even an academic one (no books will be written off the back of small talk), but rather an emotional exploration and a reminder of unity. Unification requires humility. In order to engage in small talk we must think of others and forget our boredom.

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking God is present only in the grand acts of sacrifice and charity, but this is not the case. Whether it be Mount Moriah or Olin Library, God is always present [2], and we should behave as such. How we behave in the mundane moments is as important as how we behave in the dramatic moments. We are called to “love our neighbors as ourselves,” not when our charity can be most intense, but always. It cannot be ignored in the dining hall queues or at the bus shelters; our love, virtue, and selflessness must manifest as much there as they do anywhere else. C.S. Lewis writes of these small actions, small talk or otherwise: “These moments are just as important as any other. Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance.” [3]

So, if small talk is good for our own soul, what about the person we initiate our small conversation with? Are we just sapping their valuable time and energy to engage with what seems like trite irrelevances? In fact, the academic literature suggests something quite different and unexpected—people, by and large, like having conversations with strangers despite predicting that they wouldn’t. On top of this, given the high rate of loneliness in the US (around 30% of adults report feeling loneliness on a weekly basis, with higher frequency amongst 18-34 year olds), we can be reasonably confident that, by reminding others that they share in the universal experiences of life, we are doing them, as well as us, a great service. [4] The smallest of acknowledgments or immediate kindness has been shown to have a significant psychological effects on many (for homeless people, some of the loneliest in the world, even eye- contact has a positive effect).[5] A small nicety can have a colossal effect, be it commiserating or complimenting (i.e. “Long week, huh?” or “Nice shoes!”)— as Proverbs 12 puts it: “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” [6]

Small talk is unremarkable, but God does not lie only in the remarkable, beautiful, and intense, but also in the seemingly trite, boring, and trivial. He is everywhere, and we are called to be selfless, sacrificial, and kind everywhere too.

Sources

[1] 1 Corinthians 1:17
[2] Jeremiah 23:23
[3] Lewis, C.S. Mere Christianity.
[4] Epley, Nicholas, and Justin M. Schroeder. “The Efficacy of Small Talk.” University of California, Berkeley, 2014. https://faculty. haas.berkeley.edu/jschroeder/Publications/ Epley&Schroeder2014.pdf.; American Psychiatric Association. “New APA Poll: One
in Three Americans Feels Lonely Every Week.” American Psychiatric Association, April 27, 2023. https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/ news-releases/new-apa-poll-one-in-three- americans-feels-lonely-e.
[5] Invisible People. “Making Eye Contact
with Homeless People Is Important.” Invisible People, August 17, 2020. https://invisiblepeople. tv/making-eye-contact-with-homeless-people-is- important/.
[6] Proverbs 12: 25