Lord of Hosts
The ultimate polite fight
This article is part of the Claritas spring 2024 issue, Home.
By: frank fang
The motorized lazy Susan deliberately rotated the partially eaten dishes of various meats, fish, and vegetables past me. Cigarette smoke and the sound of rice liquor-affected banter filled the room. Flush faces and full bellies were the expectation for the meal, and that was well met. At the end of every Chinese meal, there is always an awkward moment that occurs when deciding who will pay for the food. In my observations, two courses of action may occur, both of which eventually result in arguing. Option A is one person sneakily goes to pay with some excuse of requiring the restroom. When the bill is paid and the other participants of the meal find out, a big fuss occurs about how so-and-so should have been the one to pay instead. In extreme cases, a refund may be initiated. Option B is when someone attempts to sneakily pay and is caught by the others. A footrace ensues, and the poor cashier is caught between several passionate Chinese people determined to show courtesy. From the perspective of an unemployed college student (at the bottom of the age and wealth hierarchy), these situations are interesting to observe.
Successfully paying for a meal carries an entourage of culturally understood nuances. To begin with, it shows that you are well-off financially. You can pay for the meal of 10 to 12 people. Good on you! You must be rich. Next, you are an excellent host who cares about getting to know people over a meal that you funded. Finally, and strangely, considering the earlier points, it is an image of humility and selflessness. You are putting your hard-earned money down for others’ enjoyment. This smattering of connotations over something as simple as paying for a meal carries the weight of 4,000 years of Chinese cultural evolution.
My dad stealthily slips out of the room. It seems like he’s going to go for Option A. He successfully makes it out of the room with no one noticing. One of my uncles is trying to get my tangge (older male cousin) to drink some wine. My cousin comments that if he joined this drinking game, everyone else would be on the ground, so he politely and humbly declines. The chicken nuggets and french fries pass me, and I stare at them. My tangjie (older female cousin) told me they ordered that because I was American, and they were scared I wouldn’t enjoy the Chinese food. So insulting. A couple of minutes pass, and my dad still hasn’t returned. The rest of the family has begun to recognize his absence. They know what he’s doing, and Option B quickly ensues. A refund is initiated, and after quite some arguing, my father defeatedly receives the cash.
I’ve seen my dad win and lose many a battle. Most notably, he has always lost to my research mentor from my hometown of Abilene, TX. My mentor was just faster to the cashier or sneakier with his excuses. I never understood practically why he would burn a hole in his pocket for this seemingly petty cultural norm. While paying for a meal has taken on several additional cultural connotations now, the root of this predictable conflict is hospitality. We Chinese are (proudly) willing to fight tooth and nail and inconvenience ourselves for this hospitality. This mindset pervades beyond just paying for meals as well. When I was in China, my aunts would fight to carry my suitcases, buy clothes for me, and offer me a place to sleep for the night. And, I always had to fight to deny their hospitality to be courteous. At a certain point, a part of me thought it was truly tiring to constantly be fighting to be the most courteous.
Now that I am older, I have begun to wrestle with the question of when I should offer to pay, and more generally, how I can show hospitality in my spheres of influence. The 4,000-year culture of Chinese hospitality is quite incredible to experience, but there are so many mixed motives that go into someone’s desire to be a host. The extreme desire to pay for food or inconvenience ourselves for others and the consequential humble denial of help that defines Chinese hospitality seem a bit counterintuitive.
Let’s bring this home real quick, to America. What does hospitality and being a good host even mean here in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave? The Cambridge Dictionary states that hospitality is “the act of being friendly and welcoming to guests and visitors.” [1] According to Oprah Winfrey’s blog, “Successful hosts attract all types for one simple reason: They know how to make every single guest feel like a rock star… the crucial ingredients for any host are enthusiasm and confidence.” [2] Those definitions capture the suburban neighborhood’s Superbowl party and Sharon’s killer potato salad well. Furthermore, when I punch “what is American hospitality” into Google, the first few things that pop up are references to the hospitality industry rather than any interpersonal hospitality. American hospitality seems to be simpler. It doesn’t seem that American hospitality is as intensely American as Chinese hospitality is intensely Chinese. That being said, American hospitality does paint a more comfortable picture. But, are we called to be comfortable in our hospitality?
Chinese hospitality can disappoint when its motives are brought into question. There is an element of self-centeredness and cultural conformity. People should not be hospitable only to show others humility or simply to conform. That is a prideful thing to do! Not all Chinese are hospitable for this reason, but it is a slippery slope. However, I do appreciate the endless intensity. American hospitality lacks cultural intensity, but I’ve always been hosted well here by people with genuine hearts. That being said, when filtered through the lens of biblical hospitality, all of it falls short.
Hospitality should come at our own expense, and it is quite an honorable thing. There are several terrific examples of hospitality in the Bible. For instance, in Genesis 18, three visitors appear to the patriarch Abraham, and he runs out to meet them and bows his head to the ground. He then says to the men, “O Lord, if I have found favor in your sight, do not pass by your servant. Let a little water be brought, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree, while I bring a morsel of bread, that you may refresh yourselves, and after that, you may pass on—since you have come to your servant.” [3] Abraham drops everything and attends to his guests. He views it as a very high honor that these strangers would even consider spending their time with him. He falls prostrate on the ground to ensure their basic needs are met. It is a bit unclear if he knew that the guests were angels and the Lord, but the hospitality is quite admirable, regardless.
Later in Genesis 24, when a suitable bride is being sought for Abraham’s son, Isaac, another intense depiction of hospitality is portrayed. A servant sent out by Abraham prays that the Lord bring him a woman who waters him and his camels and shows him hospitality. Rebekah, Isaac’s soon-to-be-wife, is found filling her water jug by Abraham’s servant. The servant asks for water, and Rebekah not only offers to bring water to the servant, but she also offers to bring water for all ten of his camels. [4] A camel can drink 30 gallons of water in one sitting. [5] With some quick Cornell engineering math, one can determine that Rebekah lugs 300 gallons of water minimum for the servant and his camels. What a feat of hospitality for strangers!
On the converse, there is an example of somewhat poor hospitality in Luke 11. “And he said to them, ‘Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.” [6] This parable is used in the context of Christ extending His grace and blessings to us if we just ask Him. That being said, intense cultural hospitality is not the initial reaction of the sleepy neighbor. Understandably, he would much rather be asleep with his kids unbothered, but he still eventually gets up and offers the desired bread because that is his duty. It does seem to be with a bit of resistance though. This sleepy neighbor isn’t doing it out of love for his friend. Rather, he is inconveniencing himself because his friend is bold, and he has to conform to the culture of hospitality. He is not particularly hospitable out of the same heart of service that Abraham had.
It is not a bad thing to want to stay true to a rich culture of hospitality. But, there’s an even better reason for why we should be hospitable. Scripture vividly states that we must do so. That is what Christ did for us by inviting us into His Father’s house by His blood, and it demands intensity. Hebrews 13 states “Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unaware.” [7] We may be pleasing God’s angels whenever we extend hospitality to even strangers. Furthermore, we are even serving God! In the context of hospitality, Matthew 25:40 says, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” [8]
In 1 Timothy 3, Paul lays out the requirements for the overseer of the church. “The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.” [9] Being a good host is an important characteristic of someone who desires to have leadership in the church. It also feels good to be hosted well! Finally, 1 Peter 4 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.” [10] When we are hospitable to each other, we are stewarding the love of God!
Adding another culture and country to this, I had an excursion in the Philippines this past summer [11]. Those who hosted us always made sure our team was fed at their expense! They had breakfast, lunch, a snack, and dinner laid out for us almost daily. I wasn’t even sure if most of them had eaten each day, but they made sure that we did because we were the visitors. It was humbling that they expected nothing from us. They were hospitable to their hurt, and I thank God that the love they had for us flowed out in such a way.
These examples of hospitality can be compared in terms of what counts as poor hospitality. In American culture, it may look like a waiter who is inattentive or maybe an unclean house when guests are coming. In China, it could be not fighting tooth and nail to cover every single expense. In the Philippines, it came at the cost of a full belly. In the Bible, it looked like not waking up to tend to your neighbor’s specific needs or not lugging 300 gallons of water for camels to drink. There is such a stark contrast here that I wish wasn’t so stark. We are so comfortable here in America that a minor inconvenience is a display of poor hospitality. I appreciate the example of other cultures where the bare minimum of adequate hospitality comes via some sort of discomfort and self-denial.
When the heat of the polite battle finishes and the dust clears, the laughter and banter continue (as well as the smoking and drinking). The tension has considerably decreased as compared to the beginning of the meal. My dad is still going to be temporarily frustrated with the outcome of the payment, but accepting hospitality does bring joy to the ones who pay and the ones who receive it. Despite the many mixed motives going into the interaction, a strengthened relationship is formed between the parties involved. It’s a blessed thing to share a meal with people.
Christ invites us to His table, and we always lose that polite fight. He recognizes the value in every one of us and was willing to ultimately humble and deny himself to pay the price for our sins. It is such a joyous thing that we are the daily losers in this battle. Praise God! We, in turn, must show the same love to those around us with our own hospitality. If that means denying and humbling oneself (with pure intentions), it is quite a worthy thing for the sake of intensely and unceasingly recognizing and respecting a stranger’s value.
[1] “Hospitality,” Cambridge Dictionary.
[2] Baroni, Allana. “How to Be a Good Host,” Oprah.
[3] Genesis 18, ESV
[4] Genesis 24, ESV
[5] Gonzalez, Nora. “Do Camels Store,” Encyclopedia Britannica.
[6] Luke 11:5-8, ESV
[7] Hebrews 13:1-2, ESV
[8] Matthew 25:40, ESV
[9] 1 Timothy 3:1-2, ESV
[10] 1 Peter 4: 8-10, ESV
[11] Fang, Frank. “About Short-Term Missions,” Cornell Claritas.